When emotions run high, remember the ideas that give you perspective and strength. Here are three of my recent favourites.
I'ma changed man. An hour ago, I was fuming. Now I’m as serene as ever. What changed?
Late in the day after a protracted Monday, I was angered by an unexpected email. It was the end of the day, though, so there was nothing I could do but take my dog and my frustration for a power hike. Stomping up the hill, I devised battle plans for the coming days in my head. How would I argue my case? What would I retort when challenged? Who would I have to fight to rectify the injustice done?
Gradually, nature soothed my feelings. By the time I arrived at what I call the California Outlook of Hampstead Heath - for its resemblance to a section of the Pacific Coastal Trail I had walked once - I was no loner raging, albeit still annoyed. I recorded the bird song emanating from nearby flowering and sweetly scented underbrush. Catching my breath, I enjoyed the view of London, which had turned into an infernal nightscape from all the red warning lights on high rise buildings. Having recomposed myself, I formulated another plan inspired by three ideas I’d recently picked up:
Don’t try to win
Last week I attended an online UX training course. At the end of one session, I asked presenter Evan Sunwall what the most powerful lesson of his career was. He looked up pensively and said: “I tried winning for too long.” He was referring to debates at work. Too often had he endeavoured to convince others of “the right way of doing things”. Eventually, he realised that fighting to operate in what he saw as the right way was neither going to lead to a better outcome nor help him relish his work. Instead, he now focuses on compromise. “Stopping to fight and compromising doesn’t mean you’ve given up. It means you’re a professional practitioner.”, he concluded.
Having reminded myself of Evan’s wise words, I began to think about how my subsequent conversations could become ones of mutual support, empathy, and win-wins rather than squabbles I’d desperately try to win.
Turn obstacles into opportunities
There’s a book that’s always on my bedside table: The Daily Stoic. It’s a collection of stoic ideas - one for every day of the year - with each one covering no more than one page. It’s ideal bedtime reading. Often my wife and I take turns reading one to each other, then debating its merit and application before lights-out.
As I - now much calmer - pondered on the next steps for my conundrum, I remembered one question from The Daily Stoic:
How can this obstacle be turned into an opportunity?
Once I reframed the situation in this light, I felt even better about compromising and started to see how I could shift the situation to my genuine advantage.
Don’t judge a day by only one of its many moments
Before I cancelled my Netflix subscription, I binged on the animated show Big Mouth. In it, teenagers are visited by an array of monsters, each symbolising one of the many emotions and drives you’d expect to encounter in your youth. One of those creatures is the Gratitoad - a toad that reinforces sentiments of appreciation, frequently offering some much-needed perspective.
It’s silly, and I’m not making this up or post-rationalising things here, but I pictured that cartoon character as I came back down the hill and made for home. The Gratitoad would tell me that it had actually been a fantastic day until that frustrating situation in the evening. I’d reached a significant milestone at work, kicked off a fresh workstream I was excited about, had a call during which I received generous support from one colleague, and had rewarding interactions with some of those I support myself. I’d even managed to bathe my newborn and went on two walks! Not to mention that great night of sleep I had. I indeed had much to be grateful for that day. So even though I might not be able to work out a successful compromise with those who initially enraged me, this was but a mere blip of irritation in a sea of satisfaction.
Anger and frustration hit you suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere. Try not to react immediately and remind yourself of the ideas that give you strength and perspective in those moments. Getting some distance makes all the difference. So if you can’t trick yourself into a more positive mindset right away, a walk among the trees might do it.
